I am convinced that pride, or perhaps we could also call it selfishness, is the root of all sin. When I sin, I say that what God has to offer me is not enough...and I want to go my own way. It's this mindset that causes me to run after my sin.
Why do I bring this up, you ask? Well, God has been revealing to me once again just how prideful and selfish I am. I struggle with an immense desire for control. I want things to go how I want them to go...and when they don't, I respond in two possible ways. The first, is I respond with anxiety. This is usually a response to the things that I have little control over. I get anxious because I know these things are out of my control, and in my sin, I hate it. The second response I have to not having control is getting angry and as a result I pout. When I expect/want things to go a particular way, and they don't, I get angry and for me this doesn't typically result in lashing out...but instead I turn in and withdraw...I pout...like a little child who hasn't gotten the toy he wants. The person who sees this more than anybody is my wife. The person I love more than anyone else in the world...I withdraw from her in my anger.
This has been especially evidenced lately in my responses to the life change we experienced lately of finding out we're having a child. I am so excited about this, and also terrified at the same time. God is so good to have given us this opportunity...something we utterly do not deserve. I'm so excited for the day when I can finally hold this little one in my arms. But, even in this area, my sinfulness has been revealed. And it's been revealed in me responding sinfully to the life changes that have taken place. Rachel (my wife) is going through the first trimester of her pregnancy...and it is hard...for her more than anything. She often does not feel well at all, and has trouble doing many of the things that she normally has been able to do. And it's been hard for me as well...mainly because of my sinful heart. I'm needing to pick up a lot more responsibilities during this time...and rather than being like Jesus...and lovingly serving my wife with a selfless heart...I have pity parties. I do the things that I know I need to do...and it appears that I'm loving and serving my wife...but inside I'm angry and pouting, because things are not going how I want them to go.
It's in moments like this where my eyes are opened to my own sinfulness...that I'm reminded of just how utterly depraved I am. There is not a single part of my life that is not infected with my own sin. You would think that for the Christian...as you grow in sanctification...that you would see less sin in your life...and you certainly do improve over all, over time...but I find my growth in sanctification is really just God revealing to me more and more just how sinful I am. He reveals to me another part of my sinful heart that I need to give over to Him.
All of this that I've confessed is not easy...it's not easy to reveal these truths to the light. Because I want to keep up my masquerade...seeking to convince people that I'm alright. But I'm really not. I'm a wicked sinner...desperately in need of God's work in my life every day. But as much as it hurts to have these sins revealed to me...it's also so good. The way God lovingly pursues me is encouraging because it reminds me that I am His child. As we read in Hebrews 12...God does not pursue those who aren't His children.
Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.”
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits land live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Hebrews 12:3-11 (ESV)
The discipline of the Lord hurts...but it is so good. I like to say, "It hurts so good." It's so good because as a Christian...I desire to grow in holiness. In fact, sometimes, I desire it too much and expect perfection of myself...when it's not possible this side of heaven. But in moments like this it feels so good to see God changing me, and growing me. To see that He doesn't leave me alone...but He lovingly pursues me.
So, last night and this morning, God has been pursing me. He reminded me last night when I was having my pity party over unmet expectations...He reminded me of Christ. And His condescension...which reminded me of Philippians 2...
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
Philippians 2:1-11 (ESV)
Christ Jesus left the glory of heaven...and he came to earth and took the form of a servant. But He not only did this...but He humbled Himself to the point of dying on the cross for His enemies. No one has ever descended so low from such a high place. Can I not model Christ in serving my wife? Yes...by God's abundant grace I can.
Will I still struggle with this in the future? Yes, for sure. Last Sunday night I shared at church that I was struggling with this during our testimony time, and my pastor responded by saying something about how his oldest daughter is in middle school...and God is still teaching him just how selfish he is. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this...but also so thankful that God continues to teach me areas where I need to grow...
Why do I bring this up, you ask? Well, God has been revealing to me once again just how prideful and selfish I am. I struggle with an immense desire for control. I want things to go how I want them to go...and when they don't, I respond in two possible ways. The first, is I respond with anxiety. This is usually a response to the things that I have little control over. I get anxious because I know these things are out of my control, and in my sin, I hate it. The second response I have to not having control is getting angry and as a result I pout. When I expect/want things to go a particular way, and they don't, I get angry and for me this doesn't typically result in lashing out...but instead I turn in and withdraw...I pout...like a little child who hasn't gotten the toy he wants. The person who sees this more than anybody is my wife. The person I love more than anyone else in the world...I withdraw from her in my anger.
This has been especially evidenced lately in my responses to the life change we experienced lately of finding out we're having a child. I am so excited about this, and also terrified at the same time. God is so good to have given us this opportunity...something we utterly do not deserve. I'm so excited for the day when I can finally hold this little one in my arms. But, even in this area, my sinfulness has been revealed. And it's been revealed in me responding sinfully to the life changes that have taken place. Rachel (my wife) is going through the first trimester of her pregnancy...and it is hard...for her more than anything. She often does not feel well at all, and has trouble doing many of the things that she normally has been able to do. And it's been hard for me as well...mainly because of my sinful heart. I'm needing to pick up a lot more responsibilities during this time...and rather than being like Jesus...and lovingly serving my wife with a selfless heart...I have pity parties. I do the things that I know I need to do...and it appears that I'm loving and serving my wife...but inside I'm angry and pouting, because things are not going how I want them to go.
It's in moments like this where my eyes are opened to my own sinfulness...that I'm reminded of just how utterly depraved I am. There is not a single part of my life that is not infected with my own sin. You would think that for the Christian...as you grow in sanctification...that you would see less sin in your life...and you certainly do improve over all, over time...but I find my growth in sanctification is really just God revealing to me more and more just how sinful I am. He reveals to me another part of my sinful heart that I need to give over to Him.
All of this that I've confessed is not easy...it's not easy to reveal these truths to the light. Because I want to keep up my masquerade...seeking to convince people that I'm alright. But I'm really not. I'm a wicked sinner...desperately in need of God's work in my life every day. But as much as it hurts to have these sins revealed to me...it's also so good. The way God lovingly pursues me is encouraging because it reminds me that I am His child. As we read in Hebrews 12...God does not pursue those who aren't His children.
Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.”
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits land live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Hebrews 12:3-11 (ESV)
The discipline of the Lord hurts...but it is so good. I like to say, "It hurts so good." It's so good because as a Christian...I desire to grow in holiness. In fact, sometimes, I desire it too much and expect perfection of myself...when it's not possible this side of heaven. But in moments like this it feels so good to see God changing me, and growing me. To see that He doesn't leave me alone...but He lovingly pursues me.
So, last night and this morning, God has been pursing me. He reminded me last night when I was having my pity party over unmet expectations...He reminded me of Christ. And His condescension...which reminded me of Philippians 2...
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
Philippians 2:1-11 (ESV)
Christ Jesus left the glory of heaven...and he came to earth and took the form of a servant. But He not only did this...but He humbled Himself to the point of dying on the cross for His enemies. No one has ever descended so low from such a high place. Can I not model Christ in serving my wife? Yes...by God's abundant grace I can.
Will I still struggle with this in the future? Yes, for sure. Last Sunday night I shared at church that I was struggling with this during our testimony time, and my pastor responded by saying something about how his oldest daughter is in middle school...and God is still teaching him just how selfish he is. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this...but also so thankful that God continues to teach me areas where I need to grow...
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