Tonight I watched an episode of a TV show that wrecked me...so much so that I haven't been able to sleep...so here I sit on the couch in our living room typing these words out...hoping that putting the spinning thoughts in my head into words on a page can help me finally get some rest.
I've gone back and forth about whether I should share what the TV show is...but I've decided not to share it. I don't want to give any spoilers to those who may be watching the show. It comes from a franchise with movies and TV shows I greatly enjoy. Most have remained "family friendly" for the most part...but this show, in particular, has gone deeper into darker themes that provide little rays of hope.
I used to enjoy watching horror movies back in the day, but in recent years I've come to a place where I can't stomach them. I can handle suspense movies and TV shows. Still, once it starts crossing the line into horror, I quickly turn whatever I'm watching off due to being too disturbed to keep going. I could go deeper into how I, as a Christian, seek to honor Christ with what I watch...I could write a lot on this subject...but I don't want to go down that path and get distracted from the overall thrust of what I want to say.
So, this show went down a path that has always been a struggle for me when I've seen scenes of it in movies and TV shows...but this one, in particular, presented this type of situation in a way that felt like it was wrapping its fingers around me and squeezing...when the scene was over I felt like I could bust with the pent up anxiety I felt. This scene was basically an interrogation that led to the person being interrogated being tortured to get them to talk. Thankfully the torturers/interrogators are supposed to be viewed as evil...and this scene definitely does an excellent job of showing just how evil these bad guys are. They spent a long time in the scene building the suspense...you know that torture is coming...but you don't know what it will entail. You don't know how much they will show you...and when the torture finally begins...it appears to be almost entirely psychological...no blood is spilled...no physical maiming...you just watched this person being tortured. Still, it's all through sounds the person is subjected to...and you don't even hear the sounds because the person is wearing a headset...but you see her immediately begin crying out in agony as she hears this sound. If there had been violent, disturbing images, I likely would have wanted to turn it off...but instead, it all unfolded so slowly...I felt like a frog in boiling water. Even as I write this, my heart is pounding...with fear, I guess?
So, here I sit...on my couch...mind racing...before this, I lay in bed and sought solace in Biblical truth...something to calm my heart and mind...as I kept replaying this scene in my head...and while this helped while I was reading, my mind kept returning to this scene and being terrified again.
It got me thinking about many things...first of all, it got me thinking about the depravity of man. This storyline in this TV show is fictional...specifically sci-fi...so it's not relating actual events...but it's still written by people...and they're attempting to paint this picture of really evil people so that you identify with the cause of the good guys who seek to oppose them. But the ideas they use to create these stories must come from somewhere...I don't know the hearts of the men who wrote the screenplay for this show...or the directors who trained the actors to present such a powerful scene...but these ideas are rooted in our fallenness. These ideas of evil acts come from living in a sin-cursed world. Adam and Eve, before the fall, could not have conceived of such atrocities.
So, am I trying to say that these men are sinning by writing and giving us these stories? Maybe...but maybe not...again, I do not know their hearts...only God does. I've read books by Christian authors in the past who told stories that made me feel almost as disturbed as I was tonight. Their goal was to present just how evil men can become in the atrocities they can commit against one another. At what point do these stories become sinful by what they do and present? At what point do the authors sin by conceiving these stories? I still need to get a full-orbed answer...I'm merely throwing out the ideas swirling around in my mind.
Another related question...at what point does it become a sin for me to watch it? At what point am I like the citizen of Rome sitting in the Colosseum as animals tear people apart...or people tear people apart? Similar to the previous questions stated, I don't have a full-orbed answer...but I'm closer to an answer to this question...where I've landed with this one is whether what I watched causes me to be drawn into a more intimate relationship with God or not...does it lead my heart away into sin? Answering this question is ultimately a matter between God and us. Each of us has to give an honest assessment of where our heart is...and what areas of weaknesses we have so we can, by God's grace, stay away from those things that lead us to sin.
So, did I sin tonight by watching this show...and/or will I be sinning if I continue watching it? God knows my heart better than I do...so, I can't say for sure...but I can say that I'm thankful that I watched the episode...specifically I'm grateful for the work God is doing in my heart through going through it. I was reminded of just how far sin can take people...people can and do commit horrible atrocities against one another, but for God's grace of God I could go down that path, too. I'm thankful for God's grace in my life...I'm grateful for my God, who is love...grace...mercy...holy...just...etc. I'm thankful for my God, who will one day right all wrongs...who will return and bring true justice to this earth. Where every wickedness that has not been washed away by the blood of Christ will be dealt with...and Christ will reign supreme over ALL things.
Will I be able to sleep now that I've written all this down? I think so? We'll see. I certainly feel more at peace since writing this all down. But even if I don't sleep...I know I will have a good night of fellowship with my God.
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